Hilarious Jokes

Teacher: “Tell me something about oysters, Johnny.”

Johnny: “They are very lazy. They are always found in beds.”

Hilarious Jokes

Diner: “Waiter, the portions seem to have got a lot smaller lately.”

Waiter: “Just an optical illusion, sir. Now that the restaurant has been enlarged, they look smaller, that’s all.”

Hilarious Jokes

Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”

Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”

Hilarious Jokes

Two girls:

“I’m going to buy a book.”
“A book!”
“Yes, my husband bought me the most adorable reading-lamb yesterday.”

Hilarious Jokes

“What do you find the most difficult thing on the piano?”
“To pay the installments.”

Hilarious Jokes

Friend 1: “Did you know that I had taken up story-writing as a career?”
Friend 2: “No, sold anything yet?”
Friend 1: “Yes, my watch, my saxophone, and my overcoat.”

Hilarious Jokes

Two kids talking:

“I painted something for last year’s academy.”
“Was it hung?”
“Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it.”
“Congratulations! What was it?”
“A board saying, ‘Keep To The Left’.”

Hilarious Jokes

“I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when–”
“Yes, yes; go on.”
“I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!”

Hilarious Jokes

“Don’t you agree that ‘time’ is the greatest healer?”
“He maybe, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist.”

Hilarious Jokes

“When are you going on your vacation?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got to wait until the neighbors get through using my suitcase.”

Hilarious Jokes

“Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?”
“A bartender, my boy.”

Hilarious Jokes

A guide, showing an old lady through the Zoo, took her to a cage occupied by a kangaroo.

“Here, madam,” he said, “we have a native of Australia.”

“Good gracious,” she replied, “and to think my sister married one of them.”

Hilarious Jokes

“How many cigars do you smoke a day?”
“About ten.”
“What do they cost you?”
“Twenty cents a piece.”
“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Do you see that office building on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No, never did.”
“Do you own that building?”
“No.”

Hilarious Jokes

“What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.”
“She got a terrible shock.”
“How was it?”
“She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she took off her new $2 hat and somebody sold it for 30 cents.”

Hilarious Jokes

“Papa, what are ancestors?”
“Well, my son, I’m one of yours. Your grandpa is another.”
“Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?”

Hilarious Jokes

“Mother, can I have those apples on the sideboard?”
“Yes, dear!”
“Oh, I am so glad you said yes.”
“Why, are you so hungry?”
“No– but I’ve eaten them already.”

Hilarious Jokes

Mother took Willie to his first concert. The conductor was leading the orchestra and directing the soprano soloist as well. Willie was greatly interested.

“Mother, why is that man shaking his stick at the lady?” he asked.

“Hush; he is not shaking his stick at her.”

“Then what is she screaming for?”

Hilarious Jokes

Little Bobbie, while at a neighbor’s, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said “Thank you.”

“That’s right, Bobbie,” said the lady. “I like to hear little boys say ‘thank you’.”

“Well,” rejoined Bobbie. “If you want to hear me say it again you might put some jam on it.”