Hilarious Jokes

Teacher: “Tell me something about oysters, Johnny.”

Johnny: “They are very lazy. They are always found in beds.”

Hilarious Jokes

Diner: “Waiter, the portions seem to have got a lot smaller lately.”

Waiter: “Just an optical illusion, sir. Now that the restaurant has been enlarged, they look smaller, that’s all.”

Hilarious Jokes

Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”

Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”

Hilarious Jokes

Two girls:

“I’m going to buy a book.”
“A book!”
“Yes, my husband bought me the most adorable reading-lamb yesterday.”

Hilarious Jokes

“What do you find the most difficult thing on the piano?”
“To pay the installments.”

Hilarious Jokes

Friend 1: “Did you know that I had taken up story-writing as a career?”
Friend 2: “No, sold anything yet?”
Friend 1: “Yes, my watch, my saxophone, and my overcoat.”

Hilarious Jokes

Two kids talking:

“I painted something for last year’s academy.”
“Was it hung?”
“Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it.”
“Congratulations! What was it?”
“A board saying, ‘Keep To The Left’.”

Hilarious Jokes

“I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when–”
“Yes, yes; go on.”
“I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!”

Hilarious Jokes

“Don’t you agree that ‘time’ is the greatest healer?”
“He maybe, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist.”

Hilarious Jokes

“When are you going on your vacation?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got to wait until the neighbors get through using my suitcase.”

Hilarious Jokes

“Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?”
“A bartender, my boy.”

Hilarious Jokes

A guide, showing an old lady through the Zoo, took her to a cage occupied by a kangaroo.

“Here, madam,” he said, “we have a native of Australia.”

“Good gracious,” she replied, “and to think my sister married one of them.”

Hilarious Jokes

“How many cigars do you smoke a day?”
“About ten.”
“What do they cost you?”
“Twenty cents a piece.”
“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Do you see that office building on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No, never did.”
“Do you own that building?”
“No.”

Hilarious Jokes

“What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.”
“She got a terrible shock.”
“How was it?”
“She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she took off her new $2 hat and somebody sold it for 30 cents.”

Hilarious Jokes

“Papa, what are ancestors?”
“Well, my son, I’m one of yours. Your grandpa is another.”
“Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?”

Hilarious Jokes

“Mother, can I have those apples on the sideboard?”
“Yes, dear!”
“Oh, I am so glad you said yes.”
“Why, are you so hungry?”
“No– but I’ve eaten them already.”

Hilarious Jokes

Mother took Willie to his first concert. The conductor was leading the orchestra and directing the soprano soloist as well. Willie was greatly interested.

“Mother, why is that man shaking his stick at the lady?” he asked.

“Hush; he is not shaking his stick at her.”

“Then what is she screaming for?”

Hilarious Jokes

Little Bobbie, while at a neighbor’s, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said “Thank you.”

“That’s right, Bobbie,” said the lady. “I like to hear little boys say ‘thank you’.”

“Well,” rejoined Bobbie. “If you want to hear me say it again you might put some jam on it.”

Hilarious Jokes

A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”
He replied, “I study astronomy.”
“Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”

Hilarious Jokes

Kid: “Mamma, when the fire goes out where does it go?”
Mom: “My dear son, I don’t know. You might just as well ask me where your father goes when he goes out.”

Hilarious Jokes

Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

Funny Short Jokes

A man called his friend’s house and a small voice greeted him.
“Is your Daddy there?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Could I speak with him?”
“He’s busy,” the little voice replied.
“Well, can I speak to your mother?”
“Nope, she is busy, too.”
“Well then, let me talk with your brother.”
“He’s busy, too.”
“For goodness sakes, what are they so busy doing?”
“They are looking for me!”

Funny Short Jokes

With a frown wrinkling his forehead, little Johnny was working hard at his father’s desk scratching a pen along a page of his paper. His mother asked, “Are you writing a letter to your little girlfriend, Son?”
“Nope,” he grunted, “It’s a letter to myself.”
“Well,” she smiled, “What are you going to write about?”
“How should I know?” he squeaked, “I haven’t received it yet.”

Funny Short Jokes

Mom was preparing the two children for bed and was telling bedtime stories. She remarked that God made eyes to see, ears to hear, noses to smell and feet to run.
The little girl sat up and said, “But, Momma, I guess God got kinda mixed up with Tom, here, because Tom’s nose runs and his feet smell!”

Funny Short Jokes

Little Emma returned from the birthday party and her mother asked: “Did you say ‘thank you’?”
“Well, no,” replied the little girl. “Y’see, the girl ahead of me thanked her and she said, ‘Don’t mention it!’ so I didn’t.”

Funny Short Jokes

“Did God make you, Papa?”
“Yep! He certainly did.”
“And did He make me too?”
“Of course, He did.”
“Well, He’s certainly doing better as He goes along, isn’t He?”

Funny Short Jokes

Grandma and her little grandson were in the park picking up ripe walnuts on a beautiful fall day. “These are the kind of nuts your Daddy loves best,” she said.

The little boy replied, “Maybe he likes these things best but the nuts I like are doughnuts!”

Funny Short Jokes

Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

“Wonderful!” she replied, “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?”

Funny Short Jokes

A doctor says to his patient, “I have a bad news and a worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” – asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Funny Short Jokes

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

Funny Short Jokes

A Chinese man rings his boss, “Me no work I sick.”
Boss says, “When I’m sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, “Me better, you got nice house.”

Funny Short Jokes

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.”
He replies “BREASTS.”

Funny Short Jokes

A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”

The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”

The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”

Funny Short Jokes

It was the end of the school year and Joey’s mother asked: “And were the exam questions difficult?”
“They weren’t bad at all,” her son replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.”

Funny Short Jokes

Mrs. Peterson went to the doctor: “I’m terribly worried about my boy. He thinks he’s a chicken.”
The doctor asked, “And how long has this been going on?”
“Almost a year,” Mrs. Peterson replied.
“Well for goodness sakes! Why didn’t you bring him to see me sooner?”
“Because we needed the eggs!”

Funny Short Jokes

“Mama, there’s a man at the door,” said little Johnny.
“He says he’s collecting for senior citizens. Do you think we should hide Grandpa?”

Funny Short Jokes

“Mary, why did you kick your brother in the stomach?! exclaimed the angry mother.
“It was pure accident, Mama. He turned around.”

Funny Short Jokes

Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit your little sister?
Peter: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself!